The Parenting Magazine I Want to See

by Christy Lui

Every time I pick up a parenting magazine, I feel so…inadequate. All those pages of cute, well-rested, competent moms with their smiling, clean kids doing fun activities in sunny, clean kitchens. This has absolutely no resemblance to my life. Well, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of magazines that make me feel like everyone has it together but me. What I want is a magazine that loves me and my kids with all our faults and thinks the way I parent is just fine, thank you.

I’m going lo call it CHAOS: The Magazine for Real Parents.

First of all, nutrition. Banned forever will be those hateful “sample menus for toddlers” that advise you to feed your child “one-quarter cup peeled grapes and three tablespoons wheat germ” for breakfast. Every time I see one of those, I wonder who the alien supermoms are that can actually: 1. Find wheat germ in the supermarket, 2. Find a tablespoon (mine are usually in the bathtub) and 3. Figure out how much went down the gullet and how much is ground into the upholstery. What I want is USEFUL information—like how to use fuzzy logic to improve your child’s diet: Wheat is a plant. Vegetables are plants. Therefore, macaroni is a vegetable. Good-bye, food guilt.

Next, I will be reworking the ever-present advice column. These are usually filled with problems that I just WISH I had. Oh golly, “Sam just won’t eat his crunchy cereal, just the soft one. Will he be permanently damaged?” Yeah, take one look in my house. The 3-year-old has his FEET in the cereal box; the l-year-old has just poured his milk under the refrigerator.

My magazine will shun the experts and take advice only from veteran fellow moms. Most of the articles will be, “He'll get over it in three months. Don't sweat it.”

Now, crafts. My personal nemesis. Every time I see these projects I think, “Crafts: Just Another Way to Destroy the Furniture.” Or “Scissors and Glue: A Cheap and Easy Makeover for Your Brother.” What I’ll have is “127 Ways to Amuse Your Preschooler for 30 Seconds or Less.” And “How to Keep Your Toddler from Stuffing Play Doh Up His Nose” as a sidebar.

Another heinous guilt-producing section in most parenting magazines is exercise. Don’t you just LOVE those articles with the cute (thin) moms using their laughing babies as weights to tone and tighten their arms? Or the fit moms doing deep knee bends behind the jogging stroller? Have you EVER seen this happen? What I need is calorie counts for my everyday activities. Carrying a bucking, biting toddler out of the grocery store = 200 calories. Holding the bedroom door shut while child kicks it = 150 calories. Sitting on child in order to wrestle shoes on his feet = 150 calories.

Also missing from most parenting magazines is truly useful home improvement information. I do not want to see 11 different ducky patterns for the nursery. I’d publish “Amateur Locksmithing: A Step-by-Step Illustrated Guide to Removing the Hinges from the Inside of the Bedroom Door” and “You Too Can Jimmy the Car Door Open with a Hanger.”

Oh yes, fashion! Another place where alien children pose in impossibly clean, pressed outfits. My fashion layouts will include: “What Our Kids Really Wear: Halloween in June! All Jammies, All the Time! Bathrobes at the Park!” and “Three Words: Naked, Naked and Naked.”

Also banned from my magazine will be any articles by so-called experts making you feel guilty about letting your kids watch TV. If I have any hope of trying to cook a meal without having a small boy attached to my leg, it’s because TV is my friend. I personally worship the ground the good folks at PBS walk on. Let’s see a big celebration of all the great stuff the boob tube has to offer. Let’s see some elected officials and big name celebrities tell US why Sesame Street made them the contributing citizens they are today. Let’s hunt down some experts to talk about how Dora is going to increase kids’ IQs by at least 10 points this year.

Now that's the magazine I want to see. I’m going to put a picture of my sons jumping on the sofa on the front cover. Anyone want to subscribe?

Christy Lui is the full-time head lion tamer of the Nut Brothers Circus, otherwise known as TJ (3 1/2) and Ben (1 1/2). She lives with her husband John in Dousman, WI. In her former life she managed the sales department for a small software company. When she grows up she hopes to actually get paid for writing.